Letting Go: My Journey from Control to Connection with My Stepson
It was my unreasonable rage building towards my stepson that I couldn't ignore. The audacity that he wouldn't do as I said, that he didn't respond to my demands. Which were just that, me barking orders and expecting an outcome. I couldn't let it go, this had become a match and I wanted to win. I was so attached to the outcome that I failed to recognise a grown ass woman was trying to stare down a kid that just wanted my attention, my kindness and my love.
I’m pretty mad at myself. I let an ugly behaviour grow inside me disguising itself as ‘I know better’ and ‘just do as your told’, as I insisted on trying to control how my stepson should act and behave, no wonder there was so much tension at dinner.
I grew up with two brothers and a dad that were all (still are) outspoken, full of bravado and testosterone! Our household was loud. We shouted a lot, that was how we communicated, most of it was fun and laughter, some of it was about getting your arse downstairs and out the door and some of it was proving your worth, the louder you were the more chance you had of being right! (Flawed I know).
There was a lot of ego flying about which manifested itself as ‘Do as I say, not as I do’. ‘Do it on my terms, or not at all.’ It sounds awful, it wasn’t, we were competitive, a loving, strong family unit (thanks to my mum), we all responded in the same way and it ran like a well oiled machine (what do you think the equivalent of that is now?).
And then you grow up. Kind of, at least that’s what the world expects of you.
You quickly realise that when you have a child, that they don’t respond in the same way that you necessarily would and they process things very differently. Now I’m no child psychologist, but I knew that the problem lay more with me, given that I’m supposed to be a fully fledged adult and I’m supposed to know better.
So how did I release my ego, realise the way I had been parented wasn't necessarily the best for my family and finally (it has taken a long time) loosen my grip on the outcome?
Here are some examples of what I learned to do, that might work for you too, depending on your situation.
“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on”
Practice Empathy and Active Listening:
I was a shocker for correcting my stepson mid conversation and immediately jumping to conclusions. Luckily my coaching skills served me well, as I made a conscious effort to listen actively and ask open ended questions to help see it more from his perspective and understand what he need from me in that moment..
Set Clear but Flexible Boundaries:
My mum ran a tight ship and I have tried to do the same and you know what sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn’t. Generally micro managing which draw his boxers should go into ends in me getting more stressed then he does. And rightly so, I mean who cares, as long as he can find them right?!
What does seem to work is explaining why he can’t play bass at midnight and that we’re happy to take him to the gym but it needs to be a set time every night after dinner. Homework is ever evolving, but we’re getting there!
Focus on Positive Reinforcement and Trust:
It’s hard sometimes to rise above a situation and see that you are berating someone, criticising their behaviour under the guise of getting them back on the straight and narrow! I realised that with all the ‘You should do this’ and ‘I know you haven’t done that because I checked’, did nothing but make him hide things from me.
Flipping the narrative and approaching conversations from a place of kindness and love has allowed me and him to trust him to make his own decisions and learn from his experiences, knowing that if he succeeds or fails it doesn’t matter I’ll still be here for him, arms open.
Being a parent or a step parent is never easy, kids don’t come with guides and it has been one of the steepest learning curves of my life but one I am truly grateful for.
How important is your family on your Wheel of Life?