My Anxiety Path
BY SOPHIE MCQUAID
When did I realise it was anxiety?!
Looking back now to my childhood it is quite clear I have always struggled with anxiety and irrational thoughts. Plus the added struggle of being painfully shy too, so much so that I would hide at my own birthday party’s! I would always be teased about being shy and literally HATED having my photo taken. However, it seems to be in my nature to challenge myself and work though my issues, even when I was a teenager.
Thanks to one of my best friends, she encouraged me to join a performing arts group at the weekends, and much to my family’s surprise I joined! I loved it and took part in multiple shows and summer groups. That said, it definitely wasn't easy. Each time I would go, I would feel so nervous and dread being picked for anything! BUT...I did it. This then prompted me to take drama for one of my GCSE’s...again much to my family’s surprise! My final role was to play Nurse Ratched for our exam presentation and got an ‘A’....she definitely was not a shy character to play!
In my late teens and early 20’s there were times that I suffered from depression, and during this era there were definitely stigmas around the words “depression” and “anxiety” and because of that I just cracked on with things!
I have always tried to be a positive person and was especially focused on this whilst having fertility treatment. My husband and I struggled to conceive naturally but fortunately had the best GP that pushed our treatment acceptance through very quickly. I think being ‘geriatric’ in the medical world at the ripe age of 37 helped our case (nice!)!
During the treatment I was extremely positive, I used visualisation and A LOT of mediation which I really think helped with our successful 1st and only treatment! With this in mind, I always felt so grateful that the treatment had worked and was so focused on a successful pregnancy and birth!
The birth itself was pretty traumatic with 36 hour labour and then an emergency c-section. So I do feel there are some lasting mental scars from this but then I look at Olive now (even on the hard days) and I am always forever grateful for how amazing medical science is and for the NHS!
The transition to “health anxiety” was definitely after having Olive. That overwhelming feeling of being a mum and responsible for this little person who seemed so fragile! Then the fear of anything happening to her or me really hit home! What could happen? How would I cope? How would my husband cope? How would Olive cope? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!
Then the irrational thoughts started to kick in which is so exhausting and draining!
I remember being at my friend's twin boys party at a soft play and Olive would have been around 6-7 months old, I had a constant feeling of not feeling quite right but couldn't put my finger on it. I started chatting to a couple of my friends and mentioned it, including the irrational thoughts and to my overwhelming surprise, both my friends said they feel exactly the same! At that moment I didn't feel CRAZY!!! It was ANXIETY!!!
Why do I think I have anxiety?
I have tried for a long time to figure out what my trigger was for my anxiety and I’m still not 100%. To others this will probably be glaringly obvious!
As a child my dad worked for London Transport as a Health & Safety officer. During this time in the 80’s, there was always talk of IRA attacks and bombings, which scared the hell out of me. So hearing the news and then seeing my dad go off to work would send me into a spin would often leave messages on his bed asking him not to go to work!!
Other flashbacks of “worrying” were about the Gulf war and flesh eating bugs that were doing the rounds in the hospitals, which I of course convinced myself several times that I had contracted!! I also would worry about my sister, she is 7 years younger than me and was like having a real life little dolly when she was born! I would always worry that if she was on school trips or with friends, that she wouldn't be looking after her how “we” as a family looked after her!
Triggers!
My number one trigger is health scares! Whether that's my own brain playing tricks on my health, hearing about other people's health scares or the news! Plus a pandemic is always a good way to set my anxiety off a real treat too!
Change is another trigger. This could be something big like moving house or getting a puppy! Both of which set my anxiety off
Situations out of my control can also set off irrational thoughts and panic…..so taking part as a guest on the Anxiety Talk with Andrea was a real test of my anxiety and fear.
I have noticed as I've got older that my symptoms can also be heightened around the time of my cycle too...always a joy!!!
Symptoms
I have a long list of symptoms which vary depending how deep the anxiety is!
Dizziness
Nausea / upset stomach
Limited concentration
Stumble with words / forget words
Shortness of breath / tight chest / palpitations
Short tempered
Irrational thoughts
Exhaustion
Feelings over being overwhelmed
Unable to control tears (whether I know what is causing it or not)
Alleviation Techniques
Exercise Exercise Exercise! This is so important for my mental health. I try to do at least 15mins cardio and 10-20 mins of pilates each day. My true love is running, getting out into the fresh air and listening to funny podcasts or motivating music!
Hypnotherapy; I decided over two years ago that I would try hypnotherapy and never looked back. I have always been open to alternative therapies (including acupuncture before and during my fertility treatment) and it honestly has helped me so much. I try and have a session a month just to keep on top of my anxiety, especially over the last year as it has been very challenging at times.
Meditation; I listen to an audio each night at bedtime to try and stop the sometimes racing thoughts going round my head. Generally I am asleep within 10/15 mins!!
Podcasts; I love listening to podcasts and have listened to some amazing podcasts that have inspired, assured and motivated me to keep going and try new techniques. More recently I have switched to listening to funny podcasts (Shagged, Married and Annoyed and My Dad Wrote a Porno)!! During lockdown I found I needed something to make me actually laugh and I mean proper belly laugh. This meant that I wasn't thinking about anything anxiety related and gave my brain a well needed rest!
TALKING! I find that when I talk to people about anxiety that it helps give constant reassurance that I’m not going mad and nice to have common ground with other people and find out what they are doing to help their own anxiety. This was definitely a key factor of the start of my healing process.
Breathing; Breathing and focusing technique to help with my irrational thoughts. Lots of deep breaths in and out and just taking in my surroundings and diverting my mind off my thoughts.
Positivity; I try and remain as positive as possible and surround myself with positive people too. Positive social media only….....Who I follow, who follows me and no News apps!!
Written by Sophie McQuaid
Owner and founder of Olive Branch VA
With over two decades of operational, administrative and project management roles, Sophie offers clients an olive branch of empowerment, support and balance.
She’s also a keen runner, Pilates enthusiast and was very committed to Joe Wicks during lockdown…
To see Sophie’s interview click here