7 Ways Women Hold Themselves Back (And How to Break the Rules and Thrive)
Ever feel like you are holding yourself back? Like you know you can do more but you’re not reaching your full potential? You can’t quite put your finger on why though…
Women are often raised with the "good girl" complex — taught to be polite, agreeable, and to conform to societal, traditional and religious expectations. We’re told to play it safe, not to rock the boat, and to follow the rules. Sound familiar?
Well let's see how well that’s working out for us!
*At the current rate, it will take an estimated 286 years to close gaps in legal protection and remove discriminatory laws, 140 years for women to be represented equally in positions of power and leadership in the workplace, and 47 years to achieve equal representation in national parliaments.
If this frustrates you, good! It should. To change what’s playing out around us we need to recognise that we have agency, that we can set out our own terms, live on our own terms!
It doesn’t matter whether you’re a CEO of a corporation, volunteering on your kids PTA or running the household, we are all leaders and have the power to facilitate change, to start breaking rules that don’t really exist!
Our behaviour, the words we use and the choices we make impact everyone around us. If we are holding ourselves back, how can we be a great role model for our kids, our families, our friends and the people we work with?
Start by looking inwards
Recognising how and why we are holding ourselves back, is key to determining our capability and desire to change our circumstances. To what degree is up to you.
Here are some areas where women hold themselves back — and how we can break the rules to create the life we want:
1. Relationships: We stay in situations too long, we settle because we fear we won’t find any better, avoid difficult conversations, or hide our true feelings for fear of judgement. A survey by The New York Times found that 34% of women in long-term relationships stayed longer than they wanted to because they feared being alone or being judged by others.
Break the Rules: Speak your mind, demand what you need, and don’t be afraid to walk away when something no longer serves you. Know your worth and don’t lower your standards to salvage a relationship. There are a tonne of small actions that you could execute to break the rules including setting boundaries and saying no!
2. Health: We prioritise others over ourselves ALL THE TIME! Neglecting our well-being. Women are twice as likely as men to suffer from anxiety and stress-related disorders, often due to societal pressures to put others first (American Psychological Association). Not only that we are seeing a whole generation of young girls conforming to societal pressure and risking their health to seek perfection.
Break the Rules: Take time for yourself, make your health non-negotiable, and set boundaries without guilt, decide what works best for you. Your wellness should be your top priority. If you’re not firing on all cylinders how can you have the energy to build resilience and handle dramas that come your way, and we all know that happens on a daily basis!
3. Family and Friends: We conform to expectations, suppress our ambitions, or feel we must fit into certain roles with family and friends. We are undoubtedly influenced by the people we spend the most time with, which might not be a good thing. Sometimes we tolerate people because we’ve known them for a while, we excuse their behaviour or are too ‘nice’ to cut ties with them.
Break the Rules: Define your own role, your own value set and create your own positive environment. More importantly, say no when you need to. Your relationships should support your growth, not limit it. Consider what type of people you are spending time with and who you should spend your time with instead and grow with their support.
Listen to Helen Mirren!
4. Wealth: This is a biggie! We don’t negotiate hard enough, avoid risk, and often don’t invest in ourselves. A report by The Financial Planning Association of Australia (FPA) in 2022 revealed that only 31% of women invest in shares or stocks, compared to 45% of men. This gap in investing behaviour is often due to lower financial literacy, risk aversion, and limited disposable income, which can impact women’s long-term wealth accumulation.
There is also a significant gender gap in superannuation savings. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), women retire with 42% less superannuation than men. This disparity is due to a combination of factors, including career breaks for caregiving, part-time work, and the gender pay gap.
Breaking the Rules: Ask for more money at work, invest in your growth, and be unapologetic about your financial ambitions. If you’re in a relationship make sure you have your own account and your own share portfolio and NEVER give that up. Get advice when combining wealth and assets. Wealth isn't just about money; it's about opportunity, choice, and freedom.
5. Career: Women hesitate to apply for roles unless we meet 100% of the qualifications, while men apply if they meet just 60% (LinkedIn Gender Insights Report, 2019). We often downplay our accomplishments and shy away from self-promotion.
According to a 2020 survey by Totaljobs, 60% of women in the UK accepted their salary without negotiation, compared to 48% of men. The survey also found that men were twice as likely to negotiate a salary increase compared to women.
Break the Rules: Apply for roles even if you don’t check every box. Highlight your unique strengths, ASK for promotions, and embrace self-advocacy. Don’t wait for permission or recognition — seize opportunities.
6. Marriage: Many women feel pressured to take their partner’s last name in marriage, despite not wanting to. In fact, in the U.S., only about 20% of married women keep their maiden name, though this number is slowly growing. Tradition plays a huge role here but your maiden name is your identity, it’s who you are and you are giving that away.
Of course we never get married thinking we will divorce but life happens. If you have taken your partners name it is the BIGGEST pain in the arse to change everything back. Take it from someone still getting kickback from outdated organisations 6 years later!
Break the Rules: Choose to keep your name, hyphenate, or create a new family name together. The name you carry should represent you, not just tradition.
7. Travel: Surprised to see this one on the list? Women wait for the right moment, save up, or seek someone’s approval before going on adventures. On the flip side sometimes travel is thrust upon us due to an event that causes us to reassess our life circumstances. According to a 2019 Solo Traveler report, while interest in solo travel is on the rise, only about 27% of women embark on solo trips due to fears around safety and societal judgement.
Breaking the Rules: Book that solo trip, explore that new place, or go on that adventure now. You don’t need permission to see the world. You are your own person, you get to make decisions that are right for you. Travelling is one of the best ways to get to know yourself and truly freeing. Maybe the first step is going with a girlfriend and flying solo on the way home.
Of course there are many other ways we hold ourselves back; imposter syndrome, belief systems, procrastination, fear and the list goes on. If you are unsure where to start maybe start with the three things below that you are in control of.
Use Your Energy: Focus your energy on what truly matters to you. Start with one of the segments above, maybe your relationship with your partner is what truly matters to you or your career.
Redirect it away from things that drain you or hold you back and channel it into actions that push boundaries and create change.
Find Your Voice: Speak up, share your ideas, and assert your needs. Use your voice to challenge norms, to advocate for yourself, and to forge new paths in what matters to you.
Leverage Your Connections: Build a network that supports your ambitions. Reach out, ask for help, and connect with others who challenge and inspire you to break through limitations.
Sometimes we just need to start breaking the tiny rules and work our way up the more confident we get. If you need help being a rule breaker I’m all for it and more than happy to help!